If swimming gives me pleasure, may I never dive into clear blue waters again.
If I sleep soundly at night, may my pillow turn to stone and my sheet to steel.
If I say interesting things, may I lisp only trivial things in my conversations from now on.
I will tell the truth.
If I do not tell the truth tonight, then I am not worthy of standing here before you tonight.
If I dance beautifully, may the music stop and the musicians wander off when I get up to dance.
If I like to walk in parks, may the trees fall and block my path as I go.
If my shirts are always clean and pressed, may I only wear dirty and creased and cheap clothes from now on.
If I like to be kissed on the mouth without tongue, with only lips gently touching my lips, may I only be kissed obscenely with tongue.
I know that in cases like this what you should do is hit us.
Kick us till we faint.
Cut our hair very short.
Cut our nails very short too so that they dig into our finger flesh.
Cut off our water,
so that we can’t cook
or take a bath.
Forbid us from leaving the city
so that we can’t holiday in summer,
or visit our friends in our villages. Speak to us in words without beauty
that sound horrible,
crude words, improper words. Place our feet in buckets filled with ice cold water
and rose-bush branches
Abandon us naked on rocks
and throw sea urchins in our faces. Give us clothes that are too loose or too tight to wear
and take away the clothes that fit us right.
Cover the jetties on our beach – the ones we dive off – with butter and soap so we slip.
This post was written by sherlockth